Was it something I said? – When we start overthinking relationships

This post is from episode 168 of my Rise From Within podcast. You can listen here, or carry on reading, whichever is your preference today. Enjoy!

There are moments in life that make you question yourself – too many of them I think! You notice that someone you felt close to has stepped back a little, or a group chat goes quiet, friends stop supporting you on social media, or mates start socialising with other people.

Maybe a colleague starts confiding in someone else too, a networking circle changes and you don’t feel a part of it now, or your biz buddy stops checking in with you. 

Or sometimes the dynamic just shifts in ways you can feel but can’t fully explain.

And without thinking about it rationally your mind leaps straight to the usual place…..
“What did I say?”
“What did I do?”
“Did I misread something?”
“Was it my fault?”

This is the pull of overthinking relationships. It happens so quickly that you don’t really see it happening. One tiny shift in someone else’s behaviour and suddenly you are running through every interaction, every conversation, every message, everything you’ve done, and every comment you made in the past few weeks.

You focus on yourself first because you must be the reason, right??

If you’re the kind of person who does this it might be interesting to ask “Why do I think everything is my fault?”.

I have found myself right in the middle of this pattern too. I once realised that a group of friends I had felt close to were no longer as involved in my life. Nothing dramatic happened. There was no falling out. We just all became distant from each other.

And my mind did exactly what it has always done.
It must have been me.
I must have said the wrong thing.
I must have missed something.

But that’s life, isn’t it? Aren’t we all busy women? If someone was to invite me somewhere I’d have to consider what I’d be moving or cancelling in order to go. So to add a constant stream of social events and networking and business relationships management into the mix feels like a lot for me. Perhaps that is how it is for them too?

But either way, it is a familiar pattern for women who have lived with confidence issues, people pleasing tendencies, or a shaky sense of self-image to fall into. You notice the change, and then you assume sole responsibility for it. Odd really, when you think about it logically!

The automatic jump to self-blame

However, when we think about it a bit more it does become a little more understandable.

For instance, when you have lived most of your life managing other people’s emotions, you are trained to react like this. Think back to times when you stayed silent to avoid tension, or when you apologised even though you had done nothing wrong, simply because it felt safer or easier.

These patterns build up over years and before you realise it they shape how you interpret every comment or behaviour in a relationship. You get used to scanning rooms, softening your tone, behaving carefully, and keeping the peace. Your early conditioning teaches you to keep everyone comfortable, often at the cost of your own comfort.

So when a person grows distant or a group moves on without you your mind reaches for old explanations and you go straight into self-analysis.

Your inner critic speaks first because it has been trained to keep you safe through constant self-monitoring, and then when something feels uncertain it assumes you are responsible because that feels easier to manage than the unknown.

Many women underestimate how strong the link is between the inner critic and business relationships too. Your brain doesn’t understand that this is a different type of relationship – just that it’s an old pattern to follow.

Why your mind does this

The pattern is protective. If you believe you caused the shift you can fix it (or at least try to fix it). If you believe you said the wrong thing, you can correct it. If you think you’ve behaved “badly” you can make amends. At least you’ll know. Being responsible feels safer than not knowing what happened.

For women with confidence challenges, this can become a constant cycle. You find yourself wondering why someone has pulled back and your first thought is that you have done something wrong.

This is not truth. This is conditioning. This is an old survival strategy shaped by the need for approval.

When I noticed the distance with that group of friends, the old narrative rose straight to the surface. I felt a knot in my stomach and a bit of upset, because I thought I needed to figure out what you did wrong.

But those reactions then do not fit the woman I want to be now, and they don’t match the confident, self-assured woman that you want to be. 

So I ask myself different questions if this happens now.

What story is my mind creating?
Does the story make sense, or is it habit?
What else could be true here?
Is my reaction coming from who I am now or who I used to be?

And what else could be true?

This question can really change everything. It opens the door to a wider interpretation of the situation. It gives me space to step out of the story my mind was trying to write, and into one that might actually be true instead.

What’s going on for them at the moment that means they don’t have so much time for me?

Do they have some stuff going on in life that means they’re a little short of patience at the moment, so they’re a little bit snappy?

Have they made some changes in who they spend time with or who they give focus to for their own wellbeing or benefit?

Has their business focus changed, so they don’t need the same groups as they used to?

There are so many reasons why the way you interact with them may have changed, so why are you making it about yourself?

An alternative explanation

Also, if we look at this through our own life lenses, there is the possibility that you did change. Not necessarily for the bad, but you did kind of outgrow some people. I know for myself this is true.

I have changed.
My confidence has grown.
My outlook is different.
My future plans are not what they used to be.
My boundaries are clearer.
My tolerances for other people’s behaviour has tightened up.
My business has changed and I’m doing something totally different now.
My life have taken on a direction that reflects who I am becoming, not who I used to be.

And when you change like that, relationships inevitably change too. This isn’t a bad thing. You didn’t do something harmful or something to apologise for. It’s just the dynamic that you once had with people no longer fits in the same way.

People do drift when energy shifts. You let people go and you invite others in. And without a doubt, people move and behave differently around you when you begin to behave and act with more certainty and authority in what you’re trying to achieve in life.

And this is not a problem. It is part of growing into your life. You know how the saying goes – if you always do what you always did you’ll always get what you always got. That applies well to business and life progress. If you always have the same relationships with the same people how can you ever develop personally or professionally?

Once I saw it this way, the emotion behind these situations changed completely. The feeling of blame eased. The tension softened. I stopped asking what I had done and started accepting that I might simply be moving in a different direction.

When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change

This is why being aware of your inner narrative matters. The moment you question it everything changes. When you stop assuming you caused the shift, you can see different perspectives and reasons why it might have happened. When you start seeing other possibilities for the changes in your relationships your view on the person and your relationship with them also changes.

When you understand this you stop carrying responsibility for people and their behaviours that you cannot control. You do not have any real influence on their behaviour, attitude, actions, considerations for others, voice, beliefs, and life choices. Stop assuming the worst. You can only stand in your own choices, and stand there firmly, like you bloody well mean it!

Overthinking relationships starts to lose its power then, because you recognise it for what it is. A habit, not a fact.

What this means for women in business and leadership

If you run a business, or you lead a team, these patterns can show up even more strongly. And because of this we can become hyper-critical of others if it may in some small way reflect upon you.

Every business owner wants their staff and customers to love them. If you’re a small business owner, increased confidence can often mean being more visible and vocal, raising your prices, being more direct, and sharing your celebrations without apologising for them. This can change the way people respond to you if they’re not used to it, and it can make old friendships or peer groups feel different.

Every manager wants their peers and their teams to admire and respect them.
For the woman in management, stepping into authority changes dynamics too. Colleagues may interact with you differently, old friendships at work may fade as roles evolve and you take on more or different responsibility (jealousy in the workplace is a a very real thing!). This is not a reflection of your worth. It is simply the reality of growth.

In both cases, you are not doing anything wrong. You are becoming someone new, someone better, and not everyone can walk with you into that next stage.

A reason, a season, or a lifetime

Also, I like to believe that people come into your life for one of three things, and this brings me a lot of peace when I think of the relationships that I’ve lost over the years.

Some people are there for a reason. They teach you something, shift something in you, mirror something back, or move you forward in a way you might not have been able to do alone. They are important, even if their place in your life is brief.

Some people are there for a season. You walk the same path for a while, you share similar values or circumstances, or you simply fit each other at that point in time. When that season ends, it can feel confusing or even painful, but it does not mean something went wrong. It just means the chapter closed and you were ready for a new one.

And some people are there for a lifetime. These are the ones who grow with you, adapt with you, and stay connected even when life pulls in different directions. They can hold your evolution without feeling threatened by it.

Seeing relationships through this lens helps you recognise that losing closeness with someone does not always mean you made a mistake. Sometimes it just means their part in your story has reached its natural end.

Maybe, just maybe….

Maybe it was never something you said.
Maybe it was never something you did.
Maybe it is simply the natural outcome of stepping into a new version of yourself.

You are not the cause of every shift around you.
You are not responsible for every silence.
You are not at fault every time something changes.

You are growing.
You are becoming clearer.
You are standing more firmly in your life.

And when that happens, you can stop overthinking relationships and start trusting yourself instead.

Ready to change how you see yourself?

If this article spoke to something in you, it might be time to explore what life looks like when you stop carrying responsibility that was never yours. I can help you build the confidence, clarity and inner steadiness that make relationships feel easier and your decisions feel grounded.

If you want support as you step into the next version of yourself, you can find my coaching options here. You deserve to feel certain in who you are.